Thursday, February 16, 2012

Final days

As you know, I spent last weekend seeing my grandma one last time before she went home to be with Jesus. I don't feel like expounding much, it was a private time and all at once cathartic and painfully heartbreaking. however, I have to share a few videos and pictures.
My Grandma has a malignant brain tumor right behind her eyes, and as it grows she diminishes. Its hard to accept and see God's grace there, but then...
When I first saw her she was disoriented and rambling, I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't realized how much the tumor had taken from her already. She would get increasingly agitated and repeat things over and over, almost as if she had early dementia. But one thing I remembered as I sat there holding her hand, trying to find my Grandma that I knew, is that she loved to wake up every morning with my grandfather and sing worship songs to Jesus and I asked her if I could sing to her. And as we sang, her mind came back, her smile came back, the anxious rambling ceased and there was a sweet tangible presence of God that said, "I'm still here, I still care, I haven't forsaken her now."
Those songs, the same three, will probably always have the ability to bring tears to my eyes now because of their meaning to me and my time with her. To see my mama hold her mama, tears in her eyes and praising Jesus, it hurt so badly and brought such peace at the same time. God has loved my Grandma, and in her last days, he hasn't left her, his presence hasn't gone, if anything He's more present than ever. Its speaking his word, speaking to Him, worshiping Him that brings peace to her...and I am so grateful I got to see that, and feel the love of an amazing God so tangibly near me.
I love you mama, and I love you Nanan Biha...Hu Guaiya hao.

(sorry my video is a little blurry and hard to hear, it is basically me praying for my Grandma before I said goodbye for the final time, I don't want to forget it)


Patti said...

I'm packing for the marriage retreat so I'm putting this post on my "must read" list for when I get back...I want time to soak it up :)

BaNaNa said...

Dear Sophie,
You have been in our thoughts and our prayers. I know it is so hard and saying I know what you are going through will do no justice to make it any better but from the bottom of our hearts we understand and hope God helps and carries you through this tough time. We lost our grandfather and our aunt on my moms side within two months of each other and I know we will see them again in heaven but it really is hard to grasp! I know this is a bunch of rambling and doesn't make sense but I hope that all goes well and want you to know that we are thinking about you! Say hi to John and the girls for us!
Love ya,
The Twins (Emily and Anne)

aly win said...

i was trying to hard not to cry cuz there were people around me... but i did so i had to show them too... once your grandpa starts lifting his hands .... i just had to show... the love and the praising God even in this last time. Soon the other people with me also were crying ... we love you soph. I love you so much ! thank you for sharing !

Danielle said...

O how I wish I had somethIng like these videos w/ my grandma. Such priceless treasures!